Thursday, November 30, 2006

That Thing

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

You are Normal

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Best Doctors

A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life.""You don't say! How was that?""I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters. He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.""Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."

Resume


Women and dogs

How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

This does not express my view

Women and dogs

Thinnest Book

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

Thinnest Book

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Why men were made first

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

My job is a Crime

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

The Longest sentence for a Man

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

Monday, November 27, 2006

Economics Laws

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

Sharks V/S Lawyers

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Bright Child

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework

Lawyer's rates

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?"asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer.Twice.

Lawyers

What do lawyers use for birth control? * Theirpersonalities.
What is the difference between a tick and alawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and theirclients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? *Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a deadskunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of theroad? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * ADoberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a
pit bull? * Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers
skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? *Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your bicycle.

The problem with Italian accent

(Must be read with and Italian accent)

One day ima gonnaMalta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me onlyone piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to thetoilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. Idon't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitressbrings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wannafock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you nounderstand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better notfock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to myroom inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call themanager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go totoilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. Hesay you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go tothe checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". Isay piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back toItaly.

The four animals that Women Like

1. A mink in the closet.
2. A jaguar in the garage.
3. A tiger in the bedroom.
4. And an ass to pay for it all.

Female Joke about Men

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right thefirst time, you can walk all over them for years
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money,they dont generate much interest
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're notquite sure why
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and theyusually head right for your hips.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm andcan keep you up all night long.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word theysay.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and neverhave enough memory.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you cantake them anywhere.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction,but thats about it. MEN ARE LIKE . . . Curling Irons, they're always hot andthey're always in your hair.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Cement, after getting laid they takealong time to get hard. MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long tomature.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on onceyou get the hang of it.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what todo and are usually wrong.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not allthat bright.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the firstsign of emotion.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are alreadytaken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremelysmall.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for alittle while.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up whenthere's food on the table.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Snow Storms, you never know when they'recoming, how many inches youll get or how long they will last.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheapand unreliable.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw theylose interest.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bananas, the older they get, the lessfirm they are.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Newborn Babies, they're cute at first,but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you canstill see right thru them.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave noring.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Laxatives, they irritate the shit out of you.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Generous Lawyer

A United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Oh painting Nuns

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Nun Joke

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."

Going home Drunk

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers."Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was."Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he."And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed."Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage."May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Too Drunk to Walk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Friday, November 24, 2006

John and the Pill

John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Employee shares wife with a Manager

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".
Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

"Busy Boss"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Why Engineers make less money than Executives

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives will. Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that explains why this is in fact true.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.

Postulate 2: Time is money.

As every Engineer knows, Work / Time = Power

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work / Money = Knowledge

Solving for Money, we get: Work / Knowledge = Money Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero,

Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Stupid drunk lady

A lady phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

Lawyer going to Space

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn?t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer?s ear, "Three million dollars.""Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I?ll give you $1 million, I?ll keep $1 million, and we?ll send the engineer to Mars."

Lawyer going to Space

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn?t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer?s ear, "Three million dollars.""Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I?ll give you $1 million, I?ll keep $1 million, and we?ll send the engineer to Mars."

Cunning Lawyer

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they?ll have something to spend over there."They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300

Cunning Lawyer

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they?ll have something to spend over there."They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300

Best jokes

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

Best jokes

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!