Saturday, December 2, 2006
President by the balls
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The account person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The account person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag." The account person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag chock full of green bills with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the account person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?" he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got one hundred thousand dollars right here that says by noon tomorrow, your balls will be square, and I'll even give you four to one odds. You got twenty five thousand dollars you'd be willing to wager on that?" she asks. The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you. There's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shakes the bag, and says, "I know what I'm doing. I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Okay, have it your way," says the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at eleven-fifty-five tomorrow morning," says the little old lady, and with that she leaves. The next morning at 11:55, the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He's gotten almost no sleep last night, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He has checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing. When the little old lady arrives, he starts to relax, knowing he has won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" says the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly understandable," says the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" "Not so fast!" says the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "Okay, you win, here's your hundred grand," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, we had a million dollar bet that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."